My Longkang

I am a 40 plus senior administrator. After so many years of working life, I am financially secure and reached as far up the promotional ladder as I can before my retirement.

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning and look at myself, I can’t imagine already I am so old. My tummy is still so flat and apart from a wrinkle around my upper lip I still look younger than my age. I am also a conscientious dresser and a perfectionist.

However I am not happy. You may wonder why I am still single. I never meant it to be this way. I guess when I was younger I concentrated too much on my career. I was also very shy. There were opportunities but I never quite got beyond first base as people find me short in conversational skills.

Ten years back, I met a woman. She was good to me and helped manage my household. I thought finally I had made it. I gave her my total devotion and adoration. Like a puppy you could say. I made her a beneficiary in all my important documents like insurance, will etc etc. I work in a place a few hours away from my home.

One day after a breakfast of toast and milo, I rushed off to work. When I came back the house was empty and totally void of valuables. I telephoned the bank and I rushed to the bank. Our joint account had been emptied. The bank manager reminded me that according to my standing instructions, the bank had allowed her to make a total withdrawal because either party could sign the withdrawal form.

I made no police report for I knew I would never get my money back and it would just make me an object of ridicule. I withdrew deep into myself and people began to stay away from me. A close friend told me that it was because I had forgotten how to smile and was perceived as depressing and no fun. Snide remarks too began to circulate as her disappearance in my life began to be noticed.

I threw myself wholeheartedly into my work. My life was like a life without sunshine. I ate to live and to work. Kuching is not a small town but I had no social life and my subordinates hated me. I sometimes told myself everybody would be so glad if I decided to end it all and rid them of my presence.

Late last year, I was told by a friend about a dating-matchmaking agency. I telephoned them and made an appointment. It was easy because I had enough funds. On paper, I was an excellent candidate and had everything a woman would ask for although I am a little old now. I would not mind a 40plus-year-old woman but of course if the woman looked good it would be a bonus.

I followed all the instructions, made all the necessary payments and after our initial meeting, things went smoothly. We didn’t marry. I hadn’t divorced my wife yet. She couldn’t be traced and after some time I had let the matter slide.

I was overwhelmed. After so many years of loneliness, I had a companion in my life. She was young about thirty years old and a mother of two children. She was also very beautiful. She understood my dilemma and waited for me to sort out the paper-work.

Neighbours noticed the windows of the house had opened. Prior to this I couldn’t be bothered with this. I turned the air-con on when I was in the house. Her presence could be felt around the house as she did the household chores, singing all the time and she kept everything clean. I volunteered to get her a maid but she scoffed at the suggestion. I bought her many gifts to show my appreciation.

Every single day after work, I courted her, took her out for walks, for fine dinners and introduced her to all who mattered. I was so happy I felt like crying: a forty plus-year- old-man crying. I began to harbour hopes of fathering a child. I read books about it and decided in my mind to provide financially for my child if any were born.

She seemed genuinely happy. My bougainvilleas were blooming and it seemed that finally I had found favour with God. Maybe it is because I have lived alone for too long, I cannot be sure. Anyway, a few months after she moved in, I felt I had lost my privacy. We began to get in each other’s way. In the meantime,I continued to teach her survival skills like driving, using ATM, going to the market and introducing local food-stuff, local vegetables, showing her around town, and teaching her my local dialect.

Just before Chinese New Year this year, she was lonely for her home and children. I gave her money for her expenses and for her family. A little part of me was fearful she would never return but I knew she had to be given this test. If she were to stay with me forever, this would be the final test.

She never came back. Upon inquiries I found out that her return ticket had been canceled and she had been refunded. I have gone to China three times since then. Each time I go there, I begin to hope a little less. I have never found her. She has disappeared into that vast land called China.
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I constructed this letter after I received a comment, a very long, rambling one …from a gentleman who had read my piece about the Vietnamese brides. ( Upon his instruction I have not published his comment or revealed his identity ). He wishes to remain anonymous and wishes to remind all Malaysian that marrying beyond borders is a harrowing task and caution should be exercised at all times. He said he doesn’t begrudge the ladies his money but they took a part of him with them. He also took exception to a blog who refer to men like him as aging men searching for a maid. Cruel, very cruel phrase.

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