My Longkang

Pic from archives

Character : Mee Hua - 39 year-old housewife, 1.72 m and 56kg. Very long hair… until the shoulder blades…coloured shades of blonde and brown. Flawless complexion and looks like has never been anywhere near the sun. Dressed in simple beige sleeveless knee length dress with square collar. Huge chunk of diamond on the right hand. Overseas graduate.

I just can’t stand my in-laws. They visit us every weekend and mess up the home. They keep asking me why we have no child? I am not deaf. I can hear. Even if they ask a million times, the outcome will be the same. I am powerless to change the circumstances.

I don’t really need children. I am so busy with the dog, the car, the home. It is so difficult to keep the house clean. I have to wash up after visitors leave, clean up the sofas, the beds, the floors, the tables, the chairs, door knobs, bathrooms, wash all the kitchen utensils.. I cannot stand dust or clutter. I have to sweep, vacuum and mop. It keeps me occupied. Then there is the laundry for the two of us. There are so many birds and their droppings dirty the car. I wash the car before my husband leaves for work and after he comes home.

I had to let my Indonesian maids go. I felt uncomfortable with them around. There wasn’t enough work to go around. I didn’t want them to disturb my husband as he sometimes brings work home.

I don’t cook. The smoke messes up the home. I buy from the restaurants nearby. We don’t eat much any way. My husbands prefers hawker fare to my cooking anyway. On weekends, I buy some cheese cake or whatever takes my fancy. I then heat them up in the microwave. Occasionally I cook green beans soup for my husband.

We went to see a doctor. The whole works. The doctor said there was nothing wrong with us. Perhaps being a little older, statistically, the odds were lower but there was always a chance. But a child never came. First there were the fertility pills. Then the temperature taking to find the best time for conception.

Forget romance. The thermometer became the most important equipment in the home. Then, as the cycle ended, there was always the expectation of being successful. My husband would say nothing but I knew he was crying deep inside. It was something almost primal. He became depressed and happy in tandem with my menstrual cycles.
There is tremendous pressure to perform. Some poor women have a million children without even trying. Here I am with not a single one. Then for the next stage, we went to Kuala Lumpur. We had the nightly fertility injections. When that too didn’t help there was the IVF and later on, the doctor personally injecting the best sperm into the most viable eggs and letting them fertilize and then injecting back into my body.

We have spent enough to buy another house. It is all under God’s big plan. Perhaps it is not meant to be. I do not mind being childless. But when I look at my husband, something breaks inside of me.

As it is, he hides in the house, avoids going to public functions, avoids meeting friends and relatives. We have done everything possible under the circumstances. My mother-in-law insists I follow her to the tua pek kong for help because ‘my Christian God is not helping me much’ I don’t blame her. She has little education.