My Longkang

Character : 56 years old, male. 1.68m and 55 kg. Gaps in the teeth and big bright eyes that startle first-timers who meet him.

I don’t know why I live

It is getting harder for me to wake up every day. There is nothing to look forward to. I used to rejoice in my flowers and fruit trees. But they don’t talk to me. They cannot touch me. I used to go over to my neighbours’ houses and chat. But now I realize how inappropriate it is.

Mother time is so unfair. I have to pass twenty four hours a day. I look forward to the evenings when I can go jogging. I pass the same people occasionally and try to smile at them and make friends. But when I look at the mirror, I see a has-been. I don’t bother to make conversation any more.

How did it happen? I was wild in my younger days. Would you believe I was once very handsome? I look at him and see a man in his late fifties, skinny beyond belief and deeply tanned by the sun. When, I look at his face, I still see remnants of his former beauty. He has all the right features and in the right proportions.

My big mistake is never buying a house. I have just bought a double storey link house for RM285 000. If I had bought it earlier like you, I could have bought it for half the price.
Most of my savings have gone into that house. I won’t do anything with the house. Just keep it simple. Why bother sigh sigh ****when there are no visitors or guests. Honestly, I believe if not for the stench I make when I die no one will realize I am gone.

Looking at my shocked face he says, “ Death awaits every one”. I hesitate and decide not to tell him he has at least fifteen or more years to go.

I laugh when I recall all my years in the service. It was all for nothing. The day I retired, I was booted out to survive on my own. No colleagues have bothered to keep in touch. When I meet them in town, they might just nod occasionally or just ignore me. As if I have ceased to exist to them.

I thought I was doing a great service to the community. I was a nobody and now a bigger nobody except perhaps a statistic in some dusty government office.

When I was younger, I thought I had my nephews and nieces to fall upon when I grew old. At a younger age, they accepted my attentions and my money. But now, they realize I don’t have much to offer them and perhaps one day will burden them. I only dare visit them once a year.

I used to believe visiting brothels was wrong. I was afraid of contracting diseases or have my name smeared if people were to find out. I don’t care anymore. I need human touch. The human contact sustains me. The arrangement works fine. I pay them. They service me. I have so many choices. I can sleep with a different woman every day. But I am not a rich man . I can only afford to go once a month. As for diet, I couldn’t be bothered. I eat anything I want or refuse to eat what I don’t like. I am accountable to no one.

What? Get a life partner? Don’t insult me Beng. Who would want me?

I don’t believe in God any more. If he exists, I would not be living my life in this manner. I am going home now. Have to feed my goldfish.