My Longkang

From day trip Georgetown

Character : Earl, early fifties guy, father of twin girls. This post is based on a msn chat I had and reproduced with permission rewritten Bengbeng style. Earl and I are as comfortable with each other as a pair of old shoes. Once we had joked about sharing the same old-folks home during our twilight years.

Earl : It is funny really. Some people I know went forward during an altar call. They were prayed for and just collapsed. It was so easy for them. Such was their faith. After that life went on pretty normal for them again. Perhaps they felt rejuvenated after that.

Now look at me. I am a no-nonsense kind of person of person living a nondescript life. Nothing pleases me more than to come home to my tiny box like home, hole in the sky and be with my queen of so many years of blessed marriage and my twin princesses. Feeding my goldfish and watching them swim in the aquarium gives me immense pleasure.

I have tried my best to be the perfect husband and the perfect father. I have tried to inject the essence of religion into my home. But I have failed. I have failed. I have failed. I went to numerous invites. Sat through lengthy discourses. Heard interesting testimonies.

I have never managed to go beyond the veil. I was told that I did not let go. I was asked to give up everything for Him. Si sua kong ( simply talk ) Some how all the attendances at the various functions have not managed to make them beyond ‘interesting’ stories.

I read on Medie’s blog. You know, the Kuching blogger now in KL? I read you met him before when you were in KL. He was talking about a 30 year-old patient who was ready to die but her doctor couldn’t manage it. It is the same way. Friendly, loving people pull me in various directions trying to save my soul for eternity. In the process causing numerous heartaches and heart wrenching guilts.

Do i fear death? Perhaps the moment has not come. I fail to understand the emphasis on the after life. I am human. I do not like suffering or to suffer. I want happiness. Who doesn’t? Or the easy life. I want!!!! Other than that I am willing to let go and leave. Eternity and the concept of redemption? Why is it I have never managed to fully comprehend it?

I stand accused of being stubborn. Of being of little faith. I have tried so hard. I have tried too hard. It is just like MLM multi level marketing. Some people become immensely successful. Some people don’t. I have failed.

As of today, I have decided to take a break. No more chasing after shadows or rainbows. I am tired. I am so tired of trying to conform. Do you understand me, Beng? I am so tired.

Beng, I have no choice. I just have to do it my way.

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